Thus, mental exhaustion has all but consumed me, and i'm feeling rather introverted these days. And inadequately prepared for life. And mildly depressed and generally unsatisfied. Jogging has been the one saving grace from complete mental annihilation. It's a temporary disconnect from the rest of the world, and allows me to engage in a one-on-one discussion with myself by sifting through the day's thoughts and to see fuzzy uncertainties under a clearer and unobstructed light.
I admit that a big part of the inadequacy I've been feeling has stemmed from one discussion from one recent new connection in my social network. I say connection because that was all it was, and I don't wish to see him again, but strangely enough, the ideas brought forth from this single exchange have sounded so reverbrantly in my head they have changed me permanently.
I admired his ambition, but was a bit taken aback by his greed. And even though he had near-perfect table manners and good values (he brought an umbrella for the both of us, offered to pick me up, as examples of this), I didn't trust him, not completely anyways. He was a young boy blinded by the bright lights of the city, the fast cars and the fine dining and the one-night women; he spoke highly of his corporate credit card, and his company-paid blackberry, his value within the company, his startup side-project, and the 50 dollar meals on his frequent business trips. When I pulled out my own platinum credit card (my sole credit card, because I hate them on principle) to pay for my meal (which I insisted on paying for), his eyes gleamed at glittery silver poking out of my bill booklet. Even though talking to him revealed his good upbringing, he had forgotten when we were supposed to meet and tried to fish it out of me. Bad move, kid. I didn't bite and after a while he was forced to admit his lapse in memory. And when he fibs, he averts his gaze. Maybe I'm judging him a little too harshly? But even as a potential business contact, I didn't have a good first impression overall.
But I digress. The above was just to provide you some context. What I did find refreshing was his ambition, his drive for bettering himself, in terms of his career. He spoke of how there was so much out there, and that most people he knew would never venture further than 100 miles from they were born. There was so much we could achieve, so much we could do. The world is out there, we just have to stand up and reach out and catch our opportunities with both hands. What he said (perhaps fueled by my enthusiastic agreement) was so inspiring it felt like a face-full of cold water on my 40th marathon-mile. It really was.
But what I really want to highlight were the consequences that emerged from this night, that fact that our conversation served as my gateway drug; one that woke the dormant dissatisfaction and discontent in my life and sent them bobbing to the surface of my consiousness. He made me envision an alternate future for myself, something that was better than what I had now, and I really, really wanted it. And as is the purpose that every gateway drug serves, once you've been introduced to something better, it's very hard to go back, isn't it?
So it depressed me, the fact that I wasn't where I wanted to be, I wasn't where I should be, where I deserved to be. Maybe I didn't work hard enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't given the right opportunities or something. Maybe I didn't make the right choices in life. Or not enough of them. So this was the brutal self-examination that harassed my mind like an invisible thorn in my foot.
* * * * * *
Yesterday, a gentle rain fell over Montréal, and as I made my evening round, I wrote a short and succint mental letter adressed to myself, and felt significantly happier after. Maybe it was just exercise endorphins, who knows. I'd like to share it here anyways, and maybe someone other than me can relate to this or get inspired to change their thoughts and therefore their lives, in the irreversible way that mine have changed. So this is what I told myself:
Sit down.
Look at me.
And listen.
The last time you felt this down about yourself you were wading in the waters of post-graduation unemployment. You just wanted a job, any job. Do you remember that feeling of inadequacy? Looking at job requirements and seeing that you never ever fit what they wanted? Crappy interviews and email rejections? Living temp-job paycheck to temp-job paycheck?
Well guess what. You have a job now. And it pays well, because it allows you to indulge in whatever the hell you want to indulge in. Like those 30 dollar foie gras burgers and tiny-ass 50 dollar bottles of ice wine.
Think you are going to die alone with no friends? If you have 2 friends, you have friends. If you have 2000 friends, you have friends. I believe I just repeated myself. If you can't find someone to go out with you, who the fuck cares? Being alone means enjoying the freedom to do absolutely anything you want to do at any moment in time. No commitments to act or behave the way you would want someone to see you! None whatsoever!
Don't want to go through life alone? At least you're single. You could be trapped in a marriage whose love was last around when leisure suits were in.
Career uncertainties? At least you have a choice. Stay, or leave. But never be unhappy where you are. At the end of the day, you don't want to be able to say you spent a quarter of your life doing something you didn't really want to do.
Think you have so many responsibilities, so many bills to pay? At least you can pay them. You could be six figures in the red right now with kids that are going to inherit your debt.
Think your love handles are the bane of your existence? Want to be model-thin? Someone just died of malnutrition today. And someone will die of malnutrition tomorrow. Be happy about your curves.
So stop wasting your time feeling unhappy about yourself. Know that there is always someone better than you, and someone worse than you, but you're not supposed to care. Because you are your only competition, and you are your most important coach.
So go out there, live your dream, and wear your passion.
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