Sunday, June 17, 2012

Confessions: Part 2

I think this is probably the second bad omen to happen. I'm furious right now, as the most infuriating thing that can happen is for a post that you write, that makes you so immersed in pouring your thoughts into words, to be deleted by damn facebook that decided to kill your browser at the most inopportune time. Perhaps this wasn't meant to happen, maybe this wasn't meant to be immortalized in this space, or this possibly wasn't meant to be exhumed in the first place.

I had put down thoughts of this week, a tumultuous week that was inadvertently spent spilling my own secrets to him, because I had felt pressured to do so, my guilt festering like an ugly pustule fed his comments on how he felt he didn't deserve me, or his praises that I seemed so angelic. So this week I spent crying buckets, him getting angry and yelling at me, calling me an ostrich for blotting them out of my mind and treating these matters so wantonly and then questioning my judgement behind the execution of my decisions. But I had so desperately wanted to dispel his notion that I was perfect. A friend had comforted me later by saying that it's all normal, that I was a normal girl, and such a good girl on the whole, and that it was ridiculous of him to have gotten angry at him over such banalities. At that point, I just wished these words had come from him instead.

Wednesday dusk was spent at the city hall rooftop garden, the waning light dulling the green in the grassy patches surrounding the wooden bench we sat on, the two bottles of water he had thoughtfully brought for us demarcating our sides. I could barely look at him as I spoke. We moved to his car later on as the weather got chillier, and I cried for a few good hours. He finally calmed down and held my hand, telling me he did indeed accept me completely for who I was, and that our relationship was never in jeopardy. I just tried my best to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. 

Over the next few days, I grappled with my decision to have revealed so much to him, waking up feeling pangs of shame and uneasiness to the point I entertained the idea of not seeing him the coming weekend. Fortunately he reminded me, through our marathon phone sessions, that his past was grittier (according to him), and retold his stories in explicit detail just for my benefit. I felt immensely better after that. He was essentially trying to tell me that he's human too, imperfect, just like me. 

All this seems so far away now, yet it happened just only a couple of days ago. I do feel closer to him now, and he tells me the same. I've fallen for him hard enough to feel my heart ache, and it scares me a bit. Today we talked about the finality of marriage, about how I was 'it for him', that he worries that I might not feel like I've been around enough to value what we currently have, but that he has no solution to that matter. He asked me what it felt like to love someone. I said that you know you love someone when you can actually feel your heart ache at the thought of losing them. Why do you ask, I said. He said he had never loved anyone before, but felt like we were moving in that direction. 

Once, his friend had told us a story about the first date with his fiancée-to-be. They were in his car, and he was going to run a red light, but had decided against it since it was a first date and all. But she asked him to run it anyway. And that's when he knew, through that one detail, that she was the one for him. 

We took a trip together two weeks ago. He drove us to Montreal and on our way back, I was incredibly sick and ended up falling asleep in the car, despite protesting at his orders for me to rest and desperately trying to stay awake to keep him company. I woke up one and a half hours later to him still driving, the sun shining on me, but also to the car sun shade tilted sideways to my side window because he tried to block the sun from my face. He had also told me he had wanted to buy sun shades for my side window before our trip but couldn't find any. That's when I knew, at that one point in time, that he was the one for me.






Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Confessions

I wish I had waited for you, he said. If we're still together in a few years, I'm marrying you, he added.

The following Tuesday after those statements, he told me his deepest, darkest, secret. He said he cried about it for two days, knowing that I would've broken up with him once he finished his confession. It ended up being something more along the lines of confessing that he once stole ten bucks from his mom's purse back in Grade 5. He's so silly sometimes.

We are both incessant worrywarts, addicted to dissecting worst-case scenarios. We discuss marriage as much as we discuss STDs. For the first time, I feel like I can see someone waiting for me at the end of the aisle, yet we are both adamant that we not be each other's impediment to our own goals; his is China and mine is New York.

I've started exploring Breakbot remixes; I think they engender thoughts of summer in my mind, a season that Toronto hasn't quite been willing to bestow upon us just yet.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Monday, March 19, 2012

My March man.

He gives me this hope

That there could be a day where

I would be happy.

I love him for his

parley enriching words like

dilettante, ethos.

He called me out on

my limp hand and the fact that

we found no real spark.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We talked for close to three hours tonight. We talked about goals, how time is our most valuable commodity, how money doesn't matter but people talk about it like it does anyways, his 900 dollar zegna jacket he wore on our first date, how I wore a 40 dollar jacket with the price tag on it for three weeks because I was so on the fence about my purchase, girls who date white guys, girls he's dated, assholes I've encountered, the crappy salmon dish he ate tonight, the joy of home-cooked food, and other topics I wish I could remember at this moment. I always love talking to him, always have. Conversations are so intellectually stimulating it feels like a high after every time we hang up, by the time we finally force ourselves to hang up when it creeps a little too close to the hours of the next morning, that is. That's how all conversations should be, something you come out of feeling invigorated, recharged. He jokes that I just go on and on and he's a good listener. I tell him he can always hang up, and yet he never does, instead choosing to complain and exclaim about how much time has flown by so far. The sad part about tonight is that we'll probably never talk again, as tonight was the end of us.

"For our third date, you know where I would've taken you?"

"Where?"

"Niagara. Because you told me you've never been there."

"But I just don't find the appeal in Niagara. It's such a tourist trap. Besides, wouldn't that be like, a trip?"

"It would be a day trip. But it doesn't matter, we would have fun. We'll always have fun."

He told me he cares about me. I know it's true but I find it kind of funny, seeing as I met him in mid February, and mid-March has barely passed us by. He said he's never made it past four dates with a girl, ever. Not since his last relationship anyways, which was half a decade ago apparently. He said, with me, with the way we talk, with our conversations that makes time escape and sprint away from us, it felt like, shit, six dates.

I asked him what made him approach me in the first place. At first he misunderstood the question. What, he said, you mean what made me send you that email? Well ok yeah, I said. I was pursuing you, he replied, and if it were just a general party, I would have asked for your number. I responded to that with, oh, I figured since you told me you didn't like the selection of girls there you thought, might as well get at least one number. He laughed, and said holy shit, is that what you think of me?

"Ok, well why did you pursue me?"

"Because I liked you"

He told me how he loved how we butted heads all throughout our first date. I told him because I couldn't tell when he was being facetious, I ended up taking everything at face value.

I loved how he had that spontaneity about him, how I had so easily convinced him to go to Terroni just for tiramisu (until he found out that I had it the day before), or how he approached this random girl and asked if she knew who Dr. Ho was. As a non-tv watcher I had no clue who this guy is and wouldn't believe him when he said "everyone knows who Dr. Ho is". In fact, he wouldn't believe me when I said I hadn't seen those P90X and Insanity commercials. I like how how he's neither frugal nor a spendthrift, the perfect balance of someone who knows how to enjoy his money but is fiscally responsible at the same time.

I told him my favorite thing about him was how he mentioned he was mobile. He said he basically had no roots here, that he could just up and leave. I said that it was rare that a person who's stayed in basically the same place all his life could have that kind of feeling. It was my observation, and I loved that about him given that I'm a bit of a nomad to begin with.

"For me, it's a dealmaker"

"A what?"

"You know, a dealmaker. The opposite of a dealbreaker. I can bet you a hundred bucks I know where my ex-boyfriend is going to die. What I told you about Montreal, how I felt like my brain was gonna die before my body, part of it was from that."

"It's like that chinese idiom, with the frog in the well. Some people are just missing out"

"Yeah! But It's like, you never know what you're missing out on, right? It's hard to actually come to that realization"

So far, he's called me a control freak, anal, pedantic, nitpicky, sharp, wise, quick-witted. I've called him overly-analytical, too procedural, aggressive, intelligent, the kind of alpha male that I'm attracted to.

I wish I could bottle up this last conversation and savor it like every spoonful of the best soup in the world, but the sad truth is our exchange is already beginning to ebb away from my mind.

At 1.30am I cut the flow of our conversation by abruptly saying that I was going to hang up. How rude of you, he commented. I'm doing this for you! I fired back. See, you're always so caring, he said.

"So we all good?"

"Yeah"

"Well then take care, get better soon, and your knees too"

"Oh my god, you remember my comment about my knees? What, you were paying attention? There are men like you out there??"

"Yeah. Refreshing, isn't it?"



It's funny how relationships like this you end up finding out a lot of what you don't want in the other person. This time I ended up finding out a lot of what I did want.

I'm going to miss him so much.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The taxi ride home.

Don't waste my time, he said once.

Last night, we held hands in the taxi ride home.

Why is your hand so limp, he asked.

It's just the angle of my arm, I lied.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Warm.

I feel like he's melting my icy heart.

But all I have on my mind is you right now, he said.

And for the first time in the past year, something stirred.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Thin places.

TRAVEL, like life, is best understood backward but must be experienced forward, to paraphrase Kierkegaard. After decades of wandering, only now does a pattern emerge. I’m drawn to places that beguile and inspire, sedate and stir, places where, for a few blissful moments I loosen my death grip on life, and can breathe again. It turns out these destinations have a name: thin places.

It is, admittedly, an odd term. One could be forgiven for thinking that thin places describe skinny nations (see Chile) or perhaps cities populated by thin people (see Los Angeles). No, thin places are much deeper than that. They are locales where the distance between heaven and earth collapses and we’re able to catch glimpses of the divine, or the transcendent or, as I like to think of it, the Infinite Whatever.

Travel to thin places does not necessarily lead to anything as grandiose as a “spiritual breakthrough,” whatever that means, but it does disorient. It confuses. We lose our bearings, and find new ones. Or not. Either way, we are jolted out of old ways of seeing the world, and therein lies the transformative magic of travel.

It’s not clear who first uttered the term “thin places,” but they almost certainly spoke with an Irish brogue. The ancient pagan Celts, and later, Christians, used the term to describe mesmerizing places like the wind-swept isle of Iona (now part of Scotland) or the rocky peaks of Croagh Patrick. Heaven and earth, the Celtic saying goes, are only three feet apart, but in thin places that distance is even shorter.

So what exactly makes a place thin? It’s easier to say what a thin place is not. A thin place is not necessarily a tranquil place, or a fun one, or even a beautiful one, though it may be all of those things too. Disney World is not a thin place. Nor is Cancún. Thin places relax us, yes, but they also transform us — or, more accurately, unmask us. In thin places, we become our more essential selves.

Thin places are often sacred ones —St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City, the Blue Mosque in Istanbul — but they need not be, at least not conventionally so. A park or even a city square can be a thin place. So can an airport. I love airports. I love their self-contained, hermetic quality, and the way they make me feel that I am floating, suspended between coming and going. One of my favorites is Hong Kong International, a marvel of aesthetics and efficiency. I could spend hours — days! — perched on its mezzanine deck, watching life unfold below. Kennedy Airport, on the other hand, is, for the most part, a thick place. Spread out over eight terminals, there is no center of gravity, nothing to hold on to. (Nor is there anything the least bit transcendent about a T.S.A. security line.)

A bar can be a thin place, too. A while ago, I stumbled across a very thin bar, tucked away in the Shinjuku neighborhood of Tokyo. Like many such establishments, this one was tiny — with only four seats and about as big as a large bathroom — but it inspired cathedral awe. The polished wood was dark and smooth; the row of single malts were illuminated in such a way that they glowed. Using a chisel, the bartender manifested — there is no other word for it — ice cubes that rose to the level of art. The place was so comfortable in its own skin, so at home with its own nature — its “suchness,” the Buddhists would put it — that I couldn’t help but feel the same way.

Mircea Eliade, the religious scholar, would understand what I experienced in that Tokyo bar. Writing in his classic work “The Sacred and the Profane,” he observed that “some parts of space are qualitatively different from others.” An Apache proverb takes that idea a step further: “Wisdom sits in places.”

The question, of course, is which places? And how do we get there? You don’t plan a trip to a thin place; you stumble upon one. But there are steps you can take to increase the odds of an encounter with thinness. For starters, have no expectations. Nothing gets in the way of a genuine experience more than expectations, which explains why so many “spiritual journeys” disappoint. And don’t count on guidebooks — or even friends — to pinpoint your thin places. To some extent, thinness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Or, to put it another way: One person’s thin place is another’s thick one.

Getting to a thin place usually requires a bit of sweat. One does not typically hop a taxi to a thin place, but sometimes you can. That’s how my 7-year-old daughter and I got to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York. Video camera in hand, she paused at each statue of the various saints, marveling, in a hushed voice, at their poses and headgear.

She was with me, too at the Bangla Sahib gurdwara, a Sikh temple in New Delhi. The temple owes its thinness, in part, to the contrasting thickness amassed outside its gates: the press of humanity, the freestyle traffic, the unrelenting noise and, in general, the controlled anarchy that is urban India. We stepped inside the gates of the gurdwara and into another world. The mesmerizing sound of a harmonium wafted across a reflecting pool. The white marble felt cool on my bare feet. The temple compound was not devoid of people, but this was a different sort of crowd. Everyone walked to the edge of the water, drawn by something unspoken, lost in their solitary worlds, together.

At the gurdwara, time burst its banks. I was awash in time. That’s a common reaction to a thin place. It’s not that we lose all sense of time but, rather, that our relationship with time is altered, softened. In thin places, time is not something we feel compelled to parse or hoard. There’s plenty of it to go around.

Not all sacred places, though, are thin. Freighted with history, and our outsized expectations, they collapse under the weight of their own sacredness, and possess all the divinity of a Greyhound bus station. For me, Jerusalem is one of these places. I find the air so thick with animosity, so heavy with the weight of historical grievances, that any thinness lurking beneath the surface doesn’t stand a chance. Walking through the walled Old City, with its four segregated quarters, I feel my muscles tense. (By contrast, I breathe easier in supposedly godless Tel Aviv.)

Thankfully, Rumi’s tomb, in Turkey, has not met such a fate. It is very much alive. People from around the Muslim (and non-Muslim) world visit the tomb, in the central Turkish city of Konya, to pay homage to Islam’s poet laureate. Rumi’s coffin is draped in a green carpet, with a cylindrical black hat, the kind worn by dervishes, sitting atop. His 13th-century poems brim with an ecstatic love of Allah, and his resting place reflects that. People are encouraged to linger. Some curl up in a corner, reading Rumi. Others lose themselves in silent prayer. I noticed one woman, hand over heart, walking slowly on the carpeted floor, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.

Perhaps the thinnest of places is Boudhanath, in Nepal. Despite the fact that it has been swallowed up by Katmandu, Boudha, as many call it, retains the self-contained coziness of the village that it is. Life there revolves, literally, around a giant white stupa, or Buddhist shrine. At any time of the day, hundreds of people circumambulate the stupa, chanting mantras, kneading their mala beads and twirling prayer wheels. I woke in Boudha each morning at dawn and marveled at the light, milky and soft, as well as the sounds: the clicketyclack of prayer wheels, the murmur of mantras, the clanking of store shutters yanked open, the chortle of spoken Tibetan. A few dozen monasteries have sprung up around the stupa. And then there are restaurants where you can sip a decent pinot noir while gazing into the All-Seeing Eyes of Buddha. It is a rare and wonderful confluence of the sacred and the profane.

Many thin places are wild, untamed, but cities can also be surprisingly thin. The world’s first urban centers, in Mesopotamia, were erected not as places of commerce or empire but, rather, so inhabitants could consort with the gods. What better place to marvel at the glory of God and his handiwork (via his subcontractors: us) than on the Bund in Shanghai, with the Jetsons-like skyscrapers towering above, or at Montmartre in Paris, with the city’s Gothic glory revealed below.

Bookstores are thin places, too, and, for me, none is thinner than Powell’s in Portland, Ore. Sure, there are grander bookstores, and older ones, but none quite possesses Powell’s mix of order and serendipity, especially in its used-book collection — Chekhov happily cohabitating with “Personal Finance for Dummies,” Balzac snuggling with Grisham.

Yet, ultimately, an inherent contradiction trips up any spiritual walkabout: The divine supposedly transcends time and space, yet we seek it in very specific places and at very specific times. If God (however defined) is everywhere and “everywhen,” as the Australian aboriginals put it so wonderfully, then why are some places thin and others not? Why isn’t the whole world thin?

Maybe it is but we’re too thick to recognize it. Maybe thin places offer glimpses not of heaven but of earth as it really is, unencumbered. Unmasked.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Toronto

Sea of misplaced hearts

But the funny thing is that

I can't find mine too

Monday, February 13, 2012

V-Day.

One and a half hours into V-Day and the biggest event I'm looking forward to is 7pm's laundry time. When I get to ostracize myself from the world outside and do what I've been looking forward to for the entire month of February (aside from laundry) -- cleaning my friggin' room. Finally. Goddammit. V-Day should come more often, seriously.

Today was a crummy day. Not a bad day per say, but...meh. Got a call from a random I met at a club I had no intention of calling. I only exchanged numbers because I was trying to teach a girl the ropes (ie. how to pick 'em up). Went to work, and one of my favorite colleagues informed me he was leaving in a few months. Had a meeting with at least one misogynist in the room. Had dinner with a friend at a sub-sub-par Korean restaurant, and almost caught a cold walking home because I had the awesome idea of wearing my fall coat in winter weather. Came home and got yet another call from a guy (friend?) that I had to try three times just to end the call and get off the phone. Couldn't remove an ugly zit on my collarbone. Got fat pictures of yours truly in an email (thank god they didn't end up on the internet). Ingested too much junk food and way too much chocolate. Took me at least half an hour to remove the sarcasm from my own email to a douchebag who clearly didn't deserve that effort. Had to write an apologetic email to a guy that I kinda liked because of a mess up. And messed up with a guy that I really liked. Or maybe it was the right thing to do.

I hate the thought of me complaining because I'm clearly whining here. "I hate living in a war-torn country" is a valid complaint; everything else I've just mentioned isn't. But in the end I don't care enough about today for me to remember this tomorrow, do you know what I'm saying? I just can't wait for tomorrow evening to be able to do my laundry, iron my clothes, clean my room, and scrub my bathroom, all in that order. I'm not even joking.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Conversations.

These past few days I grew a little. I chose to do the right thing for myself instead of the one that would've been the easy way out. One of those decisions I would've messed up on at a younger age, a year ago even.

My brother sent me a one-sentence email telling me that he feels like how I felt a year ago. Like I was gonna die here, he said. Let's talk about it later, I replied. That night, we skyped. We exchanged perfunctory remarks, let our webcams run, and continued clcking and typing away at our computers. Neither of us made a mention of this afternoon's topic. But I guess we didn't have to. Sometimes conversations happen without words; sometimes you can feel better without needing to hear any supporting assurances. After half an hour, I broke the silence by saying I needed to take a shower. Me too, he said, and laughed. I felt like my job was done.

Monday, January 23, 2012

This past holiday season.

Two Saturdays ago, I had the last party I'm going to have in a while. Great turnout, we were almost twenty people, and this considering I've only been in Toronto less than four months, two months of which I spent as an academic recluse.

Tonight, I came back from work, walked all the way home only to find I left my keys in my drawer back at the office. I was secretly happy that I managed to do that to myself, because that meant extra time walking in an unseasonably warm night, the kinda gorgeous night that Toronto in January never sees.

I went home, ate a yoghurt, put on a hoodie and tried my roommate's 5km city route run. You start roughly around University, taking your time through Queen's Park, make a right on Bloor past a lot of the fancy shops there and then you double back home.

I ate two turkey swiss bagels, a clementine, plus the the white bean tabbouleh salad I made yesterday for the house. Took a shower and surfed the web, fantasizing about my vacation coming up in a few months. Tonight was calm compared yesterday, which was a little busy since I had a shit ton of errands. But yesterday was nothing compared to....mid December to mid January.

I don't know how many nights I spent drinking and partying and dancing and all sorts of other crazy shit but I do know I did it to a point I started to build my own reputation as a party animal. People started making comments that ran along the lines of, "You look like you go out a lot..." My friend (the other party animal) stayed with me for two of those weeks so every day I would go to work then spend the night out partying only to stumble drunk into bed and then go to work the next day trying hard to not act like a zombie. I don't know how many nights in a row I perpetuated that lifestyle (hell, to the point I didn't even have time to wash my hair) before things got a little....outta hand, let's just say.

Ok maybe it sounds kinda bad. But it actually isn't! I mean, I have no regrets. Shit happens for a reason. Of the good things that have come out of this, I can say that my boss parties with me (and he parties hard). I can also say that I'm part of the 'drinking club' at work, and that the Korean 'badass' at work is finally starting to warm up to me (yes!), and the rest of the guys at work respect me even though they're kinda misogynistic to the rest of the women (which I'm looking to change). But only because I happen to know my shit and I pull my weight.

The other night I tried to sleep my fever away but I kept getting woken up by calls and texts, which is great because people in Toronto actually like me enough to converse with me. Boys especially like to converse with me, but they aren't the priority. My schedule for the week fills up fast (Thurs-Fri-Sat is already looking like the trifecta of alcohol-induced merriment), and work has blown up in my face recently, and is only going to get worse, which is awesome because I do enjoy being challenged in my job. Just this afternoon, I had 239487 things to do, 9874 emails to respond to, and I was thinking about how much I loved it, basking in the stress!

On the topic of crazyness, I'm also part of a group of 5 organizing an event mid-Feb for 60-80 odd people. Exicting! It's all kinda hush-hush at the mo, but there's so much to do! Catering, sound system, decorations, entertainment! It thrills me that I managed to land myself this gig since I only just met them a month ago.

Yesterday I discovered I had a tiny sum of stocks stowed away somewhere online that I had forgotten about, to which I sold this morning and made a modest killing. Looks like the iPad for my parents might happen after all. Heck, even India in October looks like a possibility now. Yes! My vacation! I'm going to see Angkor Wat this spring! It's going to be another dream come true. Also going to do some scuba diving off the coast of east Malaysia! I'm just itching to go already.

I guess I wanted take a moment to be grateful for everything that has come to me, to sit down and detail every single aspect of contentment in my life, because nothing is forever, and every bubble has to burst sometime. But for now, I can say that I'm finally happy.

Sorry for the lack of poetry in my prose, but an early morning meeting beckons me to sleep soon.