Afraid.

Sometimes I'm afraid. Of doing the wrong thing. Of doing the right thing. Afraid of the consequences of the big decisions I'm forced to make. Afraid of not having enough time to do things I've always wanted to accomplish. Afraid of letting today escape from under me so quickly, I don't even have time to blink. Every day that passes, is 1/365 of a year that I'm never going to have back. What did I do today? Did I make today worth living? Sometimes a spare evening falls onto my lap but I feel too tired to do anything productive. Is this how it's going to be like? Am I inevitably moving towards a vegetative end?

Sometimes I'm also afraid of being happy. It's like I had some sort of Catholic past life or something; guilt very often accompanies us as an unwanted third wheel. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing control completely, even just afraid of loosening my grip on the things I know to be certain and true. Afraid of experiencing something bigger than me, afraid of the trough that follows the peak, and afraid of cleaning up the mess that is myself afterwards.

There was a point in my life where I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't know what I liked, and fumbled around, trying to find the buttons and the controls to make me happy again. It was like I had fallen so far down the rabbit hole that nothing seemed familiar anymore. Like I had buried her behind a dry wall. I could still feel her there somehow, waiting on the other side, alone in the darkness. This summer, I'm slowly peeling off pieces of that wall, and as a result, the good days are gradually outnumbering the bad days.

Before joining the corporate workforce, I used to see myself as different from the adults I worked with, or the adults I commuted with, or the adults that sat in tables next to me eating our packed lunches. But now, on the same side of the fence, I realize that they are human, like me, full of flaws and lovely little surprises at the same time. I've come to understand that we are all novices navigating through this world, and what nuggets of wisdom we find that happens to comfort us, we share it with each other, because we recognize the same fear in each other's eyes.