Monday, May 30, 2011

About me.


There aren't that many things in this world that I don't like, but what I love the most is coffee on a monday morning, when it's sunny, biking with no destination in mind, travelling without moving, travelling and hiking 20km a day, seeing the enthusiasm when someone talks about their goals and passions, strangers who help you expecting nothing in return, a damned good movie that screws with your mind, an awesome song you play over and over again until it becomes some sort of mantra, connections, open minds, art with a message, someone who can relate to my odd sense of humor. As they say, those who laugh together, stay together.

That being said, I rap in Spanish when I'm making dinner, I bike until my muscles ache, I paint with my fingers, my best travel stories involve countries off the beaten path, and I'm a dreamer. But maybe we all are?

Oh, and I like reading articles containing information so obscure it only serves to accumulate odd stares when I share what I've learned. Take today for example. My coworker remarked that he should commit sepukku (Japanese ritual suicide) to "restore his honor" because he messed up. I then proceeded to say that he should make sure to fall forward, because falling backwards would still mean dishonor. He stared. And I laughed. See how odd my sense of humor is?

(Photo by Guillermo Casas Baruque, cguille on flickr)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Metyrapone

I feel like this article is the precursor to the entire world plunging into a drug-induced fuzzy wonderland (article below).

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Drug selectively dampens bad memories
By Emily Chung, CBC News Posted: May 26, 2011 4:18 PM ET Last Updated: May 26, 2011

A drug that seems to dampen bad memories, while leaving other memories intact, may one day be used to treat post-traumatic stress disorder.

Previously, scientists knew that a stress hormone called cortisol affects people's ability to form new memories and decrease negative emotions that might have been associated with them. But they thought once memories had solidified, they could no longer be affected by cortisol.

A new study led by researchers at the Centre for Studies on Human Stress, affiliated with the University of Montreal, shows that in fact, metyrapone, a drug that temporarily alters cortisol levels can be used to dampen an old, negative memory for days and possibly the long term.

"It gives us a second chance, basically, to act on the memory," said Marie-France Marin, lead author of the study published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism.

What is PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder is the constellation of symptoms such as depression, flashbacks and nightmares that can be brought on by any type of trauma.

It's most often associated with military service, among soldiers who return from battle only to suffer the after-effects of what was once called "shell shock."

Psychotherapy may be an effective treatment. Drugs such as antidepressants, antipsychotics, anticonvulsants and beta blockers may also help with some of the symptoms.
That makes it potentially very useful, because most memories that cause problems are older rather than newly formed.

"Soldiers, for example, or rape victims, are not going to go to the emergency room within an hour, obviously," Marin said Thursday.

She added that many people who experience traumatic events don't necessarily go on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder, and the fact that the drug works long after the memory was formed means it can be selectively given to people who have suffered long-term effects from a traumatic experience.

The study involved 33 men who were asked to watch a story in the form of slides with audio narration. The story starts off as an emotionally neutral tale of a little girl who visits her grandparents and builds a birdhouse. The middle three slides show an accident where the girl's hand gets mutilated and bloodied with a saw. The final four slides are also neutral, as the girl gets medical care and is expected to be fine.

The drug 'gives us a second chance, basically, to act on the memory,' said Marie-France Marin, the PhD student who led the study. University of MontrealThree days later, the volunteers were given a placebo or one or two doses of a drug called metyrapone, which dramatically decreases levels of cortisol, which is normally present at a certain level in the blood.

They were then asked to recall the story.

Those who received two doses of metyrapone had significantly more trouble remembering the negative parts of the story compared to the rest of the story. That effect was not seen among those who had taken the single dose or the placebo.

What is cortisol?
Cortisol is a hormone produced by the adrenal gland in the kidneys. It is always present at low levels in the body, but more is produced when the body is under stress. Cortisol affects many systems in the body, including metabolism and the immune system.

What is metyrapone?
Metyrapone is a drug that lowers levels of cortisol to far beneath normal levels — low levels that cannot be achieved without drugs, researcher Marie-France Marin says. It was originally used to treat an uncommon disorder called Cushing's disease, in which people secrete too much cortisol. However, other treatments for Cushing's have been developed, and metyrapone is no longer on the market. The drug does have some side-effects, such as dizziness. However, Marin believes that since it only needs to be taken once to affect memories, the side-effects are minimal compared to the potential benefit.
Four days later, when their cortisol levels were back to normal, the participants came back into the lab and were asked to recall the story again.

Those who had taken two doses of metyrapone still had trouble remembering the negative parts of the story.

That result surprised the researchers.

It seems to show that contrary to what scientists previously believed, "at the time of retrieving the memory, you open an opportunity for the memory to be changed," Marin said. "And by lowering the cortisol levels, you change it in a lasting manner."

Marin said the researchers believe the double dose had an effect where the single one didn't because the two doses were separated by three hours, lowering cortisol levels for a longer time.

Potential use during psychotherapy
She foresees that the drug may one day be given to people with serious cases of post-traumatic stress disorder during psychotherapy, when they are asked to describe their traumatic experiences.

However, before that happens, the researchers must do more work to figure out whether the technique will work on memories that are years old instead of days old, and just how long-lasting the effects are.

"A lot of studies are needed to get to the perfect treatment, obviously," she said.

She also emphasized that the drug should only be used in cases of people with very serious cases of PTSD.

"It's really, really to help people who could not recover, who could not live a normal life, basically," she said.

"You can't start giving this to everyone who has a bad day…. Memories are important. They define who you are."

Friday, May 20, 2011

Apartment Therapy


Look at this gorgeous kitchen! Love the contrast between the white countertop and dishes and the dark shelf and cabinet wood and the birch hardwood floor. It looks as though there is natural light coming from the top. Open ceiling, perhaps? Want! I love sunlight. I think I was a frangipani plant in a past life.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Untitled.

Like photographs, we like to immortalize all the milestones of happiness in our lives. Childhoods, graduations, holidays, kinships, friendships. Maybe it's a reminder of what we can be grateful for. The times we swam in the comfort of safe havens and loving arms. So why do it for the moments that cause us pain? If we can remember the lesson, maybe we don't need to also remember the grief that came from learning it.

Currently listening to: Home by Above & Beyond

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Untitled.

Today, I realized that I haven't been this thin in 11 years.

Shit, I'm so happy.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

LASIK

There is never an appropriate time for pettiness, so to balance out the negative energy in this space, I'm detailing my LASIK experience! Since one of you asked about it. So tomophobics beware, it's gonna get graphic!

The first time I discovered I was near-sighted was in fifth grade. The night was hot and humid in Malaysia, and we were having a family dinner outside. I remember an image of my mom pointing to a big white neon sign and saying, "What do you mean, you can't read those words?". It's funny how you don't realize these things yourself, I mean, you could theoretically go through life content in a blurry world, uncounsiously squinting and finding the need to sit closer to the board a completely normal desire. But obviously there is no comparison you can make without first suspecting that your eyesight may not be all that it seems. At that point in time, I think the degree of my myopia was about -1.75D and -2+D.

March of last year it was at -3.75D and -5.25D. My eyesight having been stable for the past two years, LASIK was an option for me. Apparently LASIK can correct:
- myopia: 0.75 to -12.00
- hyperopia: +0.75 to +4.50
- astigmatism: +/- 0.75 to +/- 6.00
The entire process, from decision to procedure, was resolved relatively quickly. I decided that I wanted to do it, we went to see a doctor, and the following Friday, it was completed.

The hardest part about it was probably the procedure itself. In the days preceding to my operation, I went about my life, and it was easy not to think about what was going to happen Friday. But half an hour before, dressed in a plain blue hospital gown, sitting in a room ten degrees too cold, a nurse putting anaesthetic drops into my eyes and checking up on me every five minutes, my biggest fear was, what if the anaesthesia doesn't work? What if i feel every sensation? Cutting into my cornea? The laser searing my retinas? Interestingly, the fear of going blind was second to anaesthesia complications. I'll deal with blindness later! Remove the pain NOW! Haha.

Finally it's my time to enter the operating room. The door opens and I enter a blindingly white room even colder and feels more sterile. I lay on a flat rectangular surface and stare at the ceiling. I am already nervous.



Google "Speculum". Do it now. That was the worst part of my operation. It was SO DAMN uncomfortable to have in on both of my eyes! Reminds me of the movie Cypher. Which is an awesome movie by the way. So they cut my eye. There is a laser, and all you see is a giant red perfect circle and when it's cutting, you smell something like....burnt hair? Eep! I know. Then the doctor peels back the cut portion of your cornea, it looks like you're underwater, staring up at a white sky.


More to follow!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I am an agnostic.

I believe that we'll never know that whether god (or gods) exists, but I believe that we all have our own personal friend (not god), someone to watch over us, someone to bring us misfortune so we can overcome it and emerge stronger. Someone to punish us when we lie, cheat, or when we go against our heart. Someone to tell us not to do it again, someone to enforce the right thing to do in this world. Someone to teach us that no pain, no gain. Someone to teach us to appreciate the little things in life by making us work hard for it.

I talk to this person in moments of private suffering, troubled thoughts, and uncertain times. It's really selfish, seeing as I should also maybe talk about all the things I'm grateful for. But we all sometimes take the good and fun times for granted and forget to be thankful.

It was evening and I was walking home alone. The sky was cloudy and the wind was cold and blowing in gusts. Underdressed, I was freezing and my teeth started chattering.

I usually ask for a sign, or make little ultimatums. Like if I see a red car in the next five seconds, I should go for art school, or if I give that old lady my seat, then it will make up for what I did yesterday, or if he breaks up with me, i want it be a sunny day. I guess the irrationality comes from desperation and the feeling of helplessness.

This time I asked for the wind to stop blowing until I got to the intersection, which was about a few minutes away. I asked, if I will find someone out there better than him, then make the wind stop blowing until then. Then I will try my very best to let him go, starting today, and to live my life like the beginning of a next chapter.

The wind stopped until I reached the intersection.

Maybe it was a lucky question, maybe the wind was blowing in a direction that the buildings were tall enough to block it, maybe, maybe, maybe. But to me, it was a sign.