Apartment Therapy

Look at this gorgeous kitchen! Love the contrast between the white countertop and dishes and the dark shelf and cabinet wood and the birch hardwood floor. It looks as though there is natural light coming from the top. Open ceiling, perhaps? Want! I love sunlight. I think I was a frangipani plant in a past life.

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Like photographs, we like to immortalize all the milestones of happiness in our lives. Childhoods, graduations, holidays, kinships, friendships. Maybe it's a reminder of what we can be grateful for. The times we swam in the comfort of safe havens and loving arms. So why do it for the moments that cause us pain? If we can remember the lesson, maybe we don't need to also remember the grief that came from learning it.

Currently listening to: Home by Above & Beyond

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Today, I realized that I haven't been this thin in 11 years.

Shit, I'm so happy.

LASIK

There is never an appropriate time for pettiness, so to balance out the negative energy in this space, I'm detailing my LASIK experience! Since one of you asked about it. So tomophobics beware, it's gonna get graphic!

The first time I discovered I was near-sighted was in fifth grade. The night was hot and humid in Malaysia, and we were having a family dinner outside. I remember an image of my mom pointing to a big white neon sign and saying, "What do you mean, you can't read those words?". It's funny how you don't realize these things yourself, I mean, you could theoretically go through life content in a blurry world, uncounsiously squinting and finding the need to sit closer to the board a completely normal desire. But obviously there is no comparison you can make without first suspecting that your eyesight may not be all that it seems. At that point in time, I think the degree of my myopia was about -1.75D and -2+D.

March of last year it was at -3.75D and -5.25D. My eyesight having been stable for the past two years, LASIK was an option for me. Apparently LASIK can correct:
- myopia: 0.75 to -12.00
- hyperopia: +0.75 to +4.50
- astigmatism: +/- 0.75 to +/- 6.00
The entire process, from decision to procedure, was resolved relatively quickly. I decided that I wanted to do it, we went to see a doctor, and the following Friday, it was completed.

The hardest part about it was probably the procedure itself. In the days preceding to my operation, I went about my life, and it was easy not to think about what was going to happen Friday. But half an hour before, dressed in a plain blue hospital gown, sitting in a room ten degrees too cold, a nurse putting anaesthetic drops into my eyes and checking up on me every five minutes, my biggest fear was, what if the anaesthesia doesn't work? What if i feel every sensation? Cutting into my cornea? The laser searing my retinas? Interestingly, the fear of going blind was second to anaesthesia complications. I'll deal with blindness later! Remove the pain NOW! Haha.

Finally it's my time to enter the operating room. The door opens and I enter a blindingly white room even colder and feels more sterile. I lay on a flat rectangular surface and stare at the ceiling. I am already nervous.

Google "Speculum". Do it now. That was the worst part of my operation. It was SO DAMN uncomfortable to have in on both of my eyes! Reminds me of the movie Cypher. Which is an awesome movie by the way. So they cut my eye. There is a laser, and all you see is a giant red perfect circle and when it's cutting, you smell something like....burnt hair? Eep! I know. Then the doctor peels back the cut portion of your cornea, it looks like you're underwater, staring up at a white sky.

More to follow!

I am an agnostic.

I believe that we'll never know that whether god (or gods) exists, but I believe that we all have our own personal friend (not god), someone to watch over us, someone to bring us misfortune so we can overcome it and emerge stronger. Someone to punish us when we lie, cheat, or when we go against our heart. Someone to tell us not to do it again, someone to enforce the right thing to do in this world. Someone to teach us that no pain, no gain. Someone to teach us to appreciate the little things in life by making us work hard for it.

I talk to this person in moments of private suffering, troubled thoughts, and uncertain times. It's really selfish, seeing as I should also maybe talk about all the things I'm grateful for. But we all sometimes take the good and fun times for granted and forget to be thankful.

It was evening and I was walking home alone. The sky was cloudy and the wind was cold and blowing in gusts. Underdressed, I was freezing and my teeth started chattering.

I usually ask for a sign, or make little ultimatums. Like if I see a red car in the next five seconds, I should go for art school, or if I give that old lady my seat, then it will make up for what I did yesterday, or if he breaks up with me, i want it be a sunny day. I guess the irrationality comes from desperation and the feeling of helplessness.

This time I asked for the wind to stop blowing until I got to the intersection, which was about a few minutes away. I asked, if I will find someone out there better than him, then make the wind stop blowing until then. Then I will try my very best to let him go, starting today, and to live my life like the beginning of a next chapter.

The wind stopped until I reached the intersection.

Maybe it was a lucky question, maybe the wind was blowing in a direction that the buildings were tall enough to block it, maybe, maybe, maybe. But to me, it was a sign.

The 16-step program to recovery

1. Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively
Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid many missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.

2. Don't rethink your decision
If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could just live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just how you feel, he/she wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.

3. Keep your space
Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook, and no IMs - not necessarily as a permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.

4. Don't think you're unlikeable!
There are plenty of fish in the sea If he/she wasn't the fish, your emotions are telling you. Find someone else. Remember there will always be someone out there for you!

5. Cope with the pain appropriately
It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.

6. Deal with the hate phase
This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.

7. Talk to your friends
You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net. But be wary of friends trying to connect you with another person right now, this is not what you need. If you feel you are burdening your friends, consider making an appointment with a counselor or psychologist. These thoughts are irrational and are generally an early indicator of depression.

8. Write all your feelings down
Write in a journal or try writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.

9. Make a list of reminders
One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear -- this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like. Why would I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!"

10. Out with the old, in with the new
A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room, get some new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As insignificant as cleaning up sounds, it'll make you feel better.

11. Remove memory triggers
There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space. Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a box in a place you'll never go. Out of sight, out of mind.

12. Find happiness in other areas of your life
Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, signing up for that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well. Enjoy being single.

13. Stay active
Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step. If you don't exercise regularly, here are some ways to motivate yourself to work out:
Do something small, right now. Going all the way to the gym, or getting decked out in your jogging gear, or doing whatever it is you feel you should be doing obviously seems like too much work. So just do ten push-ups or jumping jacks. Easy. And usually, it's just enough to get your heart rate going a little bit, and make you feel like a little more exercise wouldn't be so bad...Get halfway there. If you want to go to the gym, but just don't feel like it, at least just drive yourself to gym, and tell yourself that if you still don't feel like working out, you'll go home. Odds are, though, once you're there, you won't feel like driving home. (But if you do, that's OK too. But you probably won't.) Then tell yourself you'll just walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, even if your exercise routine involves much more. Just telling yourself to do one more thing, without having to commit to anything else, will make things much easier. And before long, your endorphins will take over.

14. Let go
Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time. Try not to think about them, Don't let anger get the best of you.

15. Understand that no matter how bad things may seem you will get over it
It may not seem like it now but it could be the making of you to build a better relationship.

16. Stop thinking of him!
If he's not on your mind you'll get over him really fast! It might be hard to stop thinking about him but the only way to get over him is NOT to to start dating some one else.

Dreams

I dreamt of all sorts of nonsense last night. There was a scene where we were driving through singapore with the car top down, except that it was an illuminated flyover that stretched on for miles but doubled as a waterfall. Then I was in an apartment, being shown the triple locking mechanism with double-doors, and I was incredibly intrigued because I was hiding from something of course, like my own personal ghostface. There was another scene where I was looking at my patio and it was summer and I was thinking of cleaning the area up, taking the chairs and tables out of storage, buying a nice table cloth from ikea maybe, so I could have guests over and entertain them. But it was the tropics, so it was summer every day. Why weren't these tables and chairs out sooner?

They were all random scenes at first, short stories with no apparent relation to each other, but my mind eventually weaved around them and brought me to him, the one person that had been occupying my mind these past few weeks.

In the past, I've dreamt of best friends whom I really miss but are not on speaking terms with. I dream that they call, or I call, and we speak, and everything feels right once more. Or we're together in the same room, talking, with laughter, with smiles. And everything feels right once more. Why don't we make the effort to reconnect? Because it takes two to do so. And sometimes no one makes the effort. Now, it is his turn to guest starr in my dreams.

The air was warm, and we were in what felt like his house. There were people there, walking about, extras on the set, setting the environment for the main actors. Then, we were in embrace, we were kissing, and I felt his brown hair in between my fingers, his beard grazing my face, his nose touching my cheek, his warmth on my skin. There was no exploring of the hands, no leading to the next step; we were simply in each other's arms, enjoying the moment we had, what we've always had. As we held each other, he rested his head on my collarbone, and everything felt right once more.